The Truth
by Ruthie
Summary: SG-1, Mulder and Scully go in search of...THE TRUTH!
1. Default Chapter

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Title: The Truth 1 - The Beginning

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Rating: PG-13

  
**Spoilers: **

X-Files: Anything and everything before 'Requiem.'

Stargate SG-1: Anything and everything before 'Meridian.'

  
**Summary:** SG-1, Mulder and Scully go in search of THE TRUTH!!

****

Details: Humour, Crossover, NTBTS (not to be taken seriously!)

****

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Copyright © 2003, Ruth

~ The Truth 1 - The Beginning ~

By Ruth

**********

~ X Files Theme Plays ~

"The following story documents the twisted search for THE TRUTH of a stupidly large group of people. The following story contains foul language, murder, bitching and a wedgie. This may not be suitable for young children, or men in touch with their feminine sides. You have been warned! What follows is sadly a true story. THE TRUTH is definitely out there."

~ X Files theme stops playing, Stargate theme starts ~

"The following story documents the twisted search for THE TRUTH of a stupidly large - wait a minute, I've already said this. I mean, what do they think I am, a parrot? I DON'T EVEN GET PAID FOR J-" 

~ Crackling sound, Stargate theme stops playing ~

"And now, the main feature. Prepare yourselves to face - THE TRUTH!" 

**********

It was a dark and rainy Thursday morning. It was on days like these that Mulder was glad his office had no windows. Unfortunately, he wasn't in his office; he was in a car with his partner, driving to a motel. 

He didn't know why they always stayed in motels - something always went wrong in them! First, Scully had run into his room in her underwear on the first day they'd met, thinking that she had strange alien marks on her back when they were in fact mosquito bites. On another occasion she'd been brainwashed and started firing her gun at anyone who happened to speak or move. Then there was the constantly late nights, staying up to analyse photographs and to generally disagree with each other for round about seven years. 

Now he looked back on it, he wondered if it had all been worth it. He hadn't found THE TRUTH yet - he was still searching. It was out there, though, waiting for him to find - he was sure of it. 

**********

Jack groaned as he pulled up in the SGC car park. Graham Simmons had parked in what he affectionately liked to call 'his space' again! Sometimes Jack thought that the man did it just to wind him up, but it never occurred to him that Graham didn't know it was 'his space' and probably wouldn't have parked there if he had. 

This meant that Jack now had further to walk to the 'front door', so he was going to get wet. Why were Thursdays always so bad to him? THE TRUTH had to be out there somewhere…

**********

"Scully, where are you going? The turning for the motel was back there!" 

"We're not going to the motel." 

"Where are we going?" 

"Somewhere to meet some people who will help us find THE TRUTH." 

"I knew this would happen if I let you drive." 

"Shut up, Mulder." 

"Sure, fine, whatever." 

***********

Jack sat down grouchily in the briefing room, shaking water droplets from his hair with a grunt of annoyance. 

"Good trip, sir?" Sam asked, with a slight grin. She was perfectly dry. 

"Oh, ha ha Carter. Very funny. How come you didn't get wet?" 

Sam's face fell. "Well, I…" 

"Pulled an all-nighter?" Jack asked, "Again?" 

"Sorry, sir." 

"Nah - I was afraid you were going to say with an umbrella. Boy, that would have made me look stupid!" 

"Jack, you have an umbrella on your dashboard." 

"Ah, crap!" 

**********

"Where's this place we're going, then?" 

"It's called Cheyenne Mountain. A friend of mine works there." 

"Cheyenne mountain? Isn't that…" 

"A top secret air force base? Yep." 

"How are we going to get in? We don't have clearance, and I'm not wearing my fence-jumping coat today…" 

"Sam's fixed it for us - we'll be met at the gate." 

"Sam, eh? Woooo!" 

"Sam as in Samantha. She's a woman - sorry to disappoint you." 

"No, you're right, why would I think you had any kind of a social life?" 

(Long pause, followed by a slapping sound)  
"Ow! But, you've gotta admit, I have a point." 

(Slapping sound)

"Ow! How come you can do that while you're driving?" 

"Practice," Scully smiled, pulling into a space marked 'General Hammond Only.' 

**********

"Who's this friend of yours?" 

"Her name is Dana Scully - she and her partner need our help." 

"With what?" 

"She didn't say exactly, but she said that it was urgent."

"And we're supposed to believe that?" 

"Yes, you are." 

"Who put you in charge? As far as I'm aware, Colonel is a higher rank than Major, Major!" 

"Where these people are concerned, there is no such thing as rank. There isn't even such a thing as reality." 

"Okay, Sam, now you're making it sound like the X-Files." 

(Long Pause)

"Of course, I knew that Mulder and Scully ARE on the X-Files, I was just…"

"Sometimes you can be such an ass, Jack." 

**********

Sam, Jack, Daniel and Teal'c greeted Mulder and Scully at the gate and they all began the journey down to the briefing room. Jack took an almost instant dislike to Mulder. 

"So…" 

"So…" 

"I'm Fox Mulder. You are?" 

"FOX? FOX?" Jack spluttered, "What the hell kind of a name is that?" 

Sam leant over and whispered something in Mulder's ear. He smiled. 

"You must be Jonathan. O'Neil, with one L?" 

Jack glared at Sam. 

"You looking for a court-martial, Major?" 

"Sir, you can't court-martial me for spelling your name wrong. You do it often enough." 

"I do not!" 

"Your last report - you spelt Stargate Command wrong." 

"It was a typo!" 

"Twice." 

**********

Sam, Jack, Daniel, Teal'c, Mulder and Scully sat down at the briefing room table, waiting for General Hammond. Daniel and Mulder were talking about ancient Egyptian gods, Sam and Scully were discussing something so highly technical that he thought his head would explode just listening to it and Teal'c was flicking a piece of paper around the table.

Now that was something on his level of intelligence. 

"Teal'c!" 

Teal'c flicked the piece of paper at Jack, and Jack flicked it back. They spent many minutes doing this, before the arrival of a very wet and very cross General Hammond. 

"CAN PEOPLE NOT READ? IT VERY CLEARLY SAID 'GENERAL HAMMOND ONLY!' I HAD TO WALK ALL THE WAY 

FROM THE OTHER SIDE OF THE LOT TO GET HERE, I'M SOAKING WET, AND IF I CATCH THE MOTHERF…" 

Hammond's voice trailed off as he saw his two guests. 

"You must be Agents Mulder and Scully?" 

"Yes. You must be General Hammond. I apologise for the…er…mix-up over the parking place." 

"Oh, it's no problem at all - it doesn't bother me nearly as much as it bothers Jack when Graham parks in his space." 

Jack heard his name and flicked the paper off-trajectory, hitting Sam in the eye. 

"Ow!" 

"Sorry, Major." 

"Yeah, my ass." 

"If you insist," he grinned, and quickly received a kick under the table. 

**********

"What is it that you need our help with?" Hammond asked. 

"As you know, for many years, we've been searching for THE TRUTH." 

"THE TRUTH is out there - why are you in here?"

"Shut up, Jack." 

"We'd be happy to help you," said Hammond, "I will extend to you as large a group of staff as possible - starting with SG-1." 

"But I don't want to work with Sculder and Mully!" Jack groaned. 

"Mulder and Scully," said Mulder, with growing irritation. 

"Oh, sorry, did I say something else?" 

"Why are you being such an ass?" 

"Me? Moi? An ass? You have the wrong man, foxy." 

"You're just intimidated by my boyish good looks," Mulder smirked. 

"Yeah, right, quiff boy!" 

"At least I have brown hair - yours is grey, old man!" 

"It's not gray - it's a very light blonde." 

Sam snorted with laughter and nearly fell off of her chair. 

"That is an incredibly lame excuse, O'Neill," said Teal'c, with a wide grin. 

"Daniel - you don't think my hair is grey, do you?" 

"I don't know what colour you think it is," Daniel laughed, "But it sure isn't blonde!" 

**********

"When shall we leave?" 

"Whenever you want - I'll round up my staff to join you." 

"Our assistant director would like to meet you, sir. His name is Skinner." 

"It'd be an honor to meet him, Agents." 

"Of we go then," said Jack, his voice laced with sarcasm, "To find THE TRUTH with Sculder and Mully."

"If you're good, we could get you some blonde hair dye." 

"Shut up!"

**********

NEXT TIME…

"Oh look," Jack smiled, "A bee!" 

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Mulder and Scully screamed and ran away from the tiny insect. 

"It's just a bee," said Jack, looking at Sam in confusion. 

She shrugged. "Maybe they're allergic." 

**********

TO BE CONTINUED…


	2. The Truth 2: Don't mention Bees

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Title: The Truth 2 – Don't mention bees

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Rating: PG-13

  
**Spoilers: **

X-Files: Anything and everything before 'Requiem.'

Stargate SG-1: Anything and everything before 'Meridian.'

  
**Summary:** The one where they run into a bee, and SG-1 meet Skinner and Kersh. 

****

Details: Humour, Crossover, NTBTS (not to be taken seriously!)

****

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Copyright © 2003, Ruth

~ The Truth 2 – Don't mention bees ~

By Ruth

**********

"Sam, this is my supervisor, Assistant Director Skinner," Scully said, introducing the two people. 

Sam smiled and shook the man's hand. He was tall, and the top of his head was bald, but he had a twinkle in his eye that Sam instantly took a shine to. 

Jack didn't. 

"I'm Jack O'Neill, with two L's." 

"Nice to meet you, Jack O'Neill with two L's." 

"This is Daniel Jackson." 

"Hi!" 

"Hi." 

"And Teal'c." 

"It is an honor to finally meet you, Assistant Director. I have great respect for you." 

"Thank you." 

"Oh, what the fuck is he doing here?" Mulder asked, as Kersh walked into the room. 

"He wants to see if this mission deserves the FBI funding, or something like that. Personally, I think he's just here to glare." 

"Oh, don't worry – Jack can do that." 

"What?" 

**********

They all set off to find THE TRUTH late that afternoon, in two Air Force jeeps. Sam, Scully, Skinner and Mulder were in one, and Daniel, Teal'c, Jack and Kersh were in the other. 

General Hammond was going to follow on later – he had to towel his bald patch dry. 

**********

After an hour, they arrived in the middle of a green field with daisies. None of them knew exactly what they were doing there, but decided that it was as good a place to look for THE TRUTH as any. 

As they jumped out of the jeeps, Daniel fell on his face and promptly had a sneezing fit due to the pollen. 

"Oh look," Jack smiled, "A bee!" 

"AAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHH!" Mulder and Scully screamed and ran away from the tiny insect. 

"It's just a bee," said Jack, looking at Sam in confusion. 

She shrugged. "Maybe they're allergic."

"No," said Skinner, "They're not allergic." 

"Care to explain the 'scream and run away when you see a bee' then?"

"No. It's personal." 

"For crying out loud, how personal can running away from a bee be?" 

"You'd be surprised," said Skinner, and went to calm his agents down. 

**********

"It's gone?" 

"Yes, Agent Scully, it's gone." 

"Are you sure?" 

"Yes, Agent Mulder, I'm sure." 

"Phew – that was a close one." 

"What's with all this bee phobia, anyway?" Jack asked. 

"It's a long story – one I'm not inclined to share with you."

"Oooh! Fine then, foxy quiff, I shan't ask!" 

**********

Teal'c was insanely aggrivated. The man named Kersh was proving to be a great annoyance. All he did was glare and shout at his friends – and Teal'c didn't like that one bit. 

"What's your name, then?" Kersh asked, as though he didn't really care (which he didn't.)

"I am Teal'c." 

"What the hell kind of a name is Teal'c?" Kersh asked, glaring at Teal'c. 

"It is better than yours, Mister Kersh," Teal'c replied, and fell back to walk with Sam. 

"What's that thingy on your head, then?" Kersh continued. "A tattoo?" 

"It represents slavery to false Gods." 

"What's it made of? Plastic?" 

Teal'c smiled. "No. First they carved the shape into my head with a blunt knife and then poured molten gold into the wound!" 

He said this so cheerfully that Kersh nearly puked – but had to contain himself, because the FBI budget wouldn't allow him to ruin his suit. 

**********

Just as he was thinking this, Daniel sneezed down Kersh's suit and ruined it. 

Justice was done. 

**********

NEXT TIME…

The search for the truth continues…

"Agh! It's Knowle Rohrer!" 

They all ran away from the man, screaming. Teal'c fired his staff weapon at Knowle's head and he fell to the ground, supposedly dead. 

Once they had all turned their backs, however, the man rose again. 

TO BE CONTINUED…


	3. The Truth 3: The Many deaths of Knowle R...

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Title: The Truth 3 – The many deaths of Knowle Rohrer

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Rating: PG-13

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Spoilers: 

X-Files: Anything and everything before 'The Truth.'

Stargate SG-1: Anything and everything before 'Meridian.'

****

Summary: The one where Knowle Rohrer just won't die. 

****

Details: Humour, Crossover, NTBTS (not to be taken seriously!)

****

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Copyright © 2003, Ruth

~ The Truth 3 – The many deaths of Knowle Rohrer ~

By Ruth

**********

They continued to walk through the field, on their quest for THE TRUTH. Mulder and Scully had recovered from seeing the bee and were now talking quite happily. 

Kersh had discarded his snot-covered jacket in the field, and was walking along madder than ever. His moustache was bristling, and his glasses were lopsided on his face. 

"Agh!" Mulder cried suddenly, "It's Knowle Rohrer!" 

Sure enough, the tall man began advancing towards them through the daisies. 

"AAAAGGGGGHHHHHH!" 

Mulder quickly pulled his gun and shot Knowle. He fell down on the ground and didn't move. 

"Good enough for me," said Jack cheerily, and continued walking on. 

The others followed him, not noticing Knowle standing up, brushing himself off and sneezing at the pollen up his nose. 

**********

"Are we going to find THE TRUTH any time soon? I'm getting so bored!" Kersh complained. 

"He's right," said Jack, "I'm starving." 

"Agh! It's Knowle Rohrer!" 

Teal'c quickly fired his staff weapon at Knowle's head, and he fell to the ground in the daisies again. 

"Let's go!" said Sam, and they hurried away. 

As they retreated, Knowle stood up and sneezed again. 

He reached into his pocket, pulled out a packet of Piriton allergy tablets and swallowed one. With a small sniff and a wipe of his eyes, he re-configured his menacing look and went after them. 

**********

Just as they needed food, Hammond turned up with a picnic basket. 

"Thought you might be hungry!" he smiled, putting the huge basket down on the ground and pulling out a hot-dog. 

They all helped themselves to the food, particularly Jack, not noticing the danger that was very near to them. 

"Agh! It's Knowle Rohrer!" 

Hammond turned around and fired at Knowle with his hot dog, which they later learned had a gun concealed in it. 

He fell into the daisies for the third time, and sneezed irritably. 

"If you're gonna keep killing me, can we get out of this field? It's fucking with my hayfever, man!" 

They all nodded, picked up the food and moved into a more shady and woody area. 

**********

"THE TRUTH must be around here somewhere," said Mulder, gazing around him like a child in a sweet shop, "I can feel it." 

"I can feel it to - a mosquito!" said Jack, angrily slapping the insect on his arm. 

They were all quiet for a moment. 

"Um…shouldn't somebody have said 'Agh, it's Knowle Rohrer' by now?" Sam asked. 

Teal'c nodded. "I believe so." 

There was more silence. 

Sam shrugged and carried on eating. 

**********

"Agh! It's Knowle Rohrer!" 

Sure enough, the man came out of the woody area with his menacing look. 

Kersh killed him quickly with a single glare. 

They went back to eating, hearing the occasional sneeze, cough and grunt from the man that just wouldn't die. 

**********

An hour later, they picked up the picnic and continued on to find THE TRUTH. It was about three o'clock in the afternoon now, and the weather was blazingly hot. 

"Did you bring any sun cream?" Sam asked, feeling her arms beginning to burn. 

"Sure," said Hammond, throwing her a bottle of Factor 1. 

"Factor 1?" she asked. 

"It's all I could find in Boots," Hammond shrugged. 

Just then, they heard a rustling from behind them. 

"Agh! It's Knowle Rohrer!" 

Sam turned around and squirted the Factor 1 in Knowle's eye. This, surprisingly, was enough to kill him. 

"Let's keep going - see if we can outwalk him." 

"Good idea." 

Knowle swore into the grass as the Factor 1 cream stung his eyeball. He took a knife from his pocket and was about to cut it out when he remembered that that was from 'Terminator', not X Files. With a sigh, he put his knife back in his pocket and continued on to try and kill them again. 

**********

They reached a small brook and decided to sit down again. 

"We could go fishing!" Mulder suggested. 

Sam and Jack froze. 

"No!" they both instantly replied. 

"Okay, it was just a suggestion. What's with all the 'scream no if you don't wanna fish?'" 

"It's a long story," said Hammond, applying sun cream to his bald patch.

"One you're not going to tell me, huh?"

"Yep." 

**********

"Agh! It's Knowle Rohrer!" 

Scully looked at the man and pulled her gun, shooting him. 

"Aw, please - can we have some variety?" he asked, "I only ever get shot!" 

"I squirted you in the eye with some sun cream!" Sam pointed out. 

"Yeah, thanks babe!" 

"Are you coming onto me?" 

"If you like." 

He then laid down with a cheeky grin on his face and waited for them to move on. They were now heading back to the jeeps, after a long and unsuccessful search for THE TRUTH. 

**********

As they got nearer to the jeeps, they heard a crunching noise from behind them. 

"Oh, look - it's Knowle Rohrer!" 

He put his hands on his hips and glared at them. "You could at least pretend to be scared." 

"Agh! It's Knowle Rohrer!" Sam shouted. 

"Thanks, babe!" 

Daniel promptly sneezed on him, killing him almost instantly. 

**********

As they got into the jeeps, Knowle wiped the snot off of his face and shuddered. 

He then sneezed, because the daisies were still full of their evil pollen. 

He saw the jeeps beginning to drive away, and hurriedly jumped on top of one of them. 

**********

"Ha," he smiled evilly, as the jeeps rode back to the FBI headquarters. 

**********

NEXT TIME…

"Uh oh - Maitreya!" 

"Agh! It's Knowle Rohrer!" 

"Agh - it's Ba'al!" 

Also, a perilous love triangle between Krycek, Marita, Ba'al and Sam. 

TO BE CONTINUED…


	4. The Truth 4: Love Pollution

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Title: The Truth 4 – Love Pollution

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Rating: PG-13

****

Spoilers: 

X-Files: Anything and everything before 'The Truth.'

Stargate SG-1: Anything and everything before 'The Other Guys', but 'Meridian' never happened. 

****

Summary: The one with Maitreya and the Krycek/Marita/Ba'al/Sam love triangle. 

****

Details: Humour, Crossover, NTBTS (not to be taken seriously!)

****

Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.

Copyright © 2003, Ruth

~ The Truth 4 – Love Pollution ~

By Ruth

**********

SG-1, Mulder, Scully, Skinner and Kersh returned to the FBI headquarters after their first uneventful day in their search for THE TRUTH. Knowle Rohrer was riding on top of the jeep, in true Hannibal Lecter style. 

They all jumped out of the jeep (Daniel didn't fall out this time) and went inside. They got several strange looks from various agents, partly because of Knowle, who was walking behind them, bleeding from all of his deaths. 

They got into Mulder and Scully's office eventually, after getting stuck in the lift. They all crammed in, but found it very hard to get out. In the end, they had to kill Knowle, so that he could die on the floor, get out of the lift, get a shoehorn and free them from the elevator. 

This process took several minutes. He shoehorned Sam out of the lift first and smiled lovingly at her. She waited until she'd got away from him before she shuddered. 

Then Daniel crawled out of the elevator and, after Jack had been removed from the roof, everyone else was freed. 

**********

"Agh! It's Knowle Rohrer!" 

He held his hands in the air. "Please, don't kill me - it's getting so boring!" 

"Okay, we'll let you off for now." 

"Thanks." 

**********

Several minutes later, they realised that they had four uninvited guests. Krycek, who had been hiding in a filing cabinet, Marita, who had been hiding in a wardrobe, Maitreya, who had been sprawled on the desk, and Ba'al, who had been standing in the centre of the room, it was just that no one had noticed. 

"Agh! It's Ba'al!" 

"AAAAGGGHHHHH!" Jack screamed, and promptly hid in the filing cabinet that Krycek had just jumped out of. 

"Mulder, Scully. Who are your little friends?" Krycek asked. 

"This is Sam, Daniel, Teal'c, General Hammond and Jack is the one in the filing cabinet. Oh yeah - the dude in the dress is Ba'al." 

"It is a robe." 

"Dress."

"Robe!" 

"Dress!" 

"ROBE!" 

"DRESS!" 

**********

After the argument between Krycek and Ba'al had finished, everyone looked at Maitreya. 

Well, all of the men looked at Maitreya. A lot. Even Thor had appeared out of nowhere and was looking at her with big round eyes. 

"Uh…hello?" Sam asked, waving her hand in front of Daniel's face. 

"She has them under control," said the tall blonde woman opposite Sam. "My name is Marita Covarrubias. You must be Samantha Carter." 

"Sam will do fine," she said, "Have you seen this woman before?" 

"Yeah," Scully replied, "She did this last time." 

"Oh, brother. Hold on, I have to call someone." 

**********

Janet arrived in the room to see all of the men staring at Maitreya. 

"Oh, jeez! It's like Hathor all over again." 

"I know," Sam replied. "Marita, Scully, this is Janet." 

"Who's Hathor?" Scully asked. 

"Let's just say we've been in a horribly familiar situation to this one before," said Janet. "How long have they been like this? IS THAT…THOR?" 

"Yeah." 

"Oh my God. If the Asgard aren't immune…" 

**********

Scully pulled out her handgun.

"There's only one way to end this." 

"But…" 

Scully's finger neared on the trigger, but didn't quite make it.

Marita sighed, took the gun from her and shot Maitreya. The men instantly snapped out of their trances. 

"What did ya have to go and do that for?" Thor asked. 

"Shut up," said Marita, going over to Krycek. 

"Hey! Hey, are you back on Earth now?" she asked. 

"Yeah, sure babe." 

**********

Sam was sitting down on Mulder's swivel chair. She looked up and had the horrible feeling that Ba'al hadn't taken his eyes off of her for several minutes. 

No, it's just you, she thought, but then looked up again. He definitely hadn't blinked in about ten minutes. 

"Yes?" she asked. 

"I was just thinking how you would make a beautiful bride." 

"Mm hm?" 

"You could be mine forever - we could get married, you would live in luxury, we could make love and have children…" 

"Whoa! You repeatedly killed one of my friends - ya think I could marry you after that?" 

"I could," Marita whispered happily beside him. 

It was then that Sam realised Marita hadn't taken her eyes off of Ba'al for ten minutes. 

He blatantly ignored her and kept looking at Sam. 

It was then that Sam realised Krycek hadn't taken his eyes off of Marita for ten minutes. 

"Oh, would you all just GET A FREAKING ROOM?" she asked, getting up and going to talk to Daniel. 

"With you, my love, it would be a pleasure," Ba'al smiled. 

Sam was wishing that Knowle Rohrer would come along and try to kill them again. 

**********

"What do you say we blow this dump and go look for THE TRUTH again?" Jack asked. 

"Yeah!"   
So they did. This time, they had to make two elevator trips, one would have been impossible. 

They all piled into the two jeeps and set off again to try and find THE TRUTH. Knowle was just climbing onto the roof when Teal'c got out and spotted him. 

"No, Knowle, it's just too 'Silence of the Lambs.' Come and ride in the back with us." 

"Oh, thanks Teal'c." 

"No problem." 

**********

Jack watched with mounting disgust as Krycek tried to jump Marita in the back of one of the jeeps. It was then that he realised, with great horror, that Sam and Ba'al were together in the other one. He hoped to God that Ba'al wasn't trying anything funny. 

**********

"Would you and your dress get a freaking room?" Knowle asked Ba'al. 

"It is a robe. I will not have this argument with you further." 

"So…" Knowle turned to Teal'c, trying to drown out the slobbering noises that Ba'al was making over Sam. 

"I believe it would be best if we turned away," said Teal'c. 

Ba'al gave Sam a very deep kiss. 

She felt like slapping him, but part of her had actually enjoyed it. She giggled like a schoolgirl and squeezed a little closer to him." 

"Oh, that's just fucking disgusting!" Knowle spat in disgust. 

**********

NEXT TIME… 

"Laira? Is that you? Who's the bloke with you?" 

"Daniel. Daniel Waterston. What are you doing here? You didn't come here for me?" 

"Aris Boch! Whooo! Finally, a fellow ballbuster!" 

**********

TO BE CONTINUED…


	5. The Truth 5: Another 2 Bite the Dust

Title: The Truth 5 - Another 2 Bite the Dust  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers:   
  
X-Files: Anything and everything before 'The Truth.'  
  
Stargate SG-1: Anything and everything before 'The Other Guys', but 'Meridian' never happened.   
  
Summary: The one with Laira and Daniel Waterstone. Also, Mulder explains why he doesn't have an umbrella.  
  
Details: Humour, Crossover, NTBTS (not to be taken seriously!) If you're a fan of Laira, you might want to avoid this.  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
All characters, places and plot referrals to The X Files are the property of Chris Carter, FOX and Ten Thirteen Productions. Y'all know I didn't have anything to do with making it, and I'm making no money, so don't even try to sue me for it.  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
~ The Truth 5 - Another 2 Bite the Dust ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
**********  
  
The next morning, on the quest for THE TRUTH, it was raining. It wasn't just normal rain either - it was hard rain, not quite hail but definitely not a shower.  
  
Ba'al grumbled as his robe began to stick to his legs.  
  
"HA!" Krycek said, "Ball's dress is getting wet!"  
  
"It's a robe, damn you!" Ba'al said, his eyes flashing angrily.  
  
"Yah, whatever!" Krycek said, taking a drag from an expensive Russian cigarette.  
  
"Why the hell are we walking, anyway?" Knowle Rohrer asked, "Don't we have a car?"  
  
"The Syndicate took it to the NID."  
  
"Ah, well that explains everything." Jack said, trying not to let his umbrella blow inside out.  
  
"Why do you have an umbrella?" Mulder asked, "Do you not care that it makes you more feminine?"  
  
"Listen, Foxy quiff - I don't want to get my hair wet. Unlike you, I have some self-respect."  
  
"Why don't you have an umbrella, Agent Mulder?" Sam asked.  
  
"I prefer to duck under Scully's," he said, "Even though it gives me a crick in the neck you would not believe..."  
  
"Perhaps you should consider leg extensions," Ba'al advised Scully.  
  
"Excuse me? Are you saying I'm short?" Scully asked, enraged.  
  
"I believe that is an accurate assessment," Teal'c replied.  
  
"Damn you! At least I'm not a guy wearing a dress!" Scully said, pulling the umbrella down lower and almost poking Mulder's eye out.  
  
"It's a robe!" Ba'al shouted.  
  
"AGH! IT'S KNOWLE ROHRER!" Marita shouted, as Knowle drove past in an ice-cream van.  
  
"Yeah, yeah!" Knowle said, holding his hand up to protect himself against the hail of abuse, "Do you want a ride?"  
  
So they all crammed in the back of the ice cream van.  
  
**********  
  
They were almost 30,000 miles away from THE TRUTH (at least, that was Mulder's rough estimate) when they saw a couple of hitchhikers in the middle of the interstate.  
  
"Ooh!" said Daniel, "Pick them up!"  
  
So the two hitchhikers crammed in the back of the ice cream van.  
  
"Daniel," Jack said, "Remind me to maim you later."  
  
"Laira? Is that you? Who's the bloke with you?" Jack asked.  
  
"Daniel. Daniel Waterstone. What are you doing here? You didn't come here for me?" Scully asked, feeling a blush rising to her cheeks.  
  
"I came to aid you in your search for THE TRUTH!" Waterstone said, "That is, if you still have a place in your heart for me, Dana."  
  
Mulder rolled down the window and vomited out of it.  
  
"But...you are so old," Ba'al commented, looking at Waterstone in disgust.  
  
"Hey!" he said, "Why's that dude wearing a dress?"  
  
"I TOLD YOU, IT IS A ROBE!" Ba'al screamed, thrashing about in the back of the van.  
  
Sam quickly grabbed a flake out of the box and jammed it in Ba'al's mouth like a dummy, which quieted him.  
  
"So...who is this?" Sam asked Scully.  
  
"His name is Daniel Waterstone," Scully began.  
  
"The two of them were banging each other before we even met," Mulder finished.   
  
Scully shot him an icy glare.  
  
"But he's so old!" Krycek said in disbelief.  
  
"Hey! At least I have both my arms!" Waterstone said defensively.  
  
"That was totally not my fault!" Krycek protested.  
  
**********  
  
"So...what connection is Laira to you?" Scully asked Sam.  
  
"Oh, they were banging each other on another planet whilst I was trying to get them home."  
  
"Sam!" Jack said angrily.  
  
"Ah, I see," Scully said. "But she's so ugly!"  
  
"Tell me about it," Sam said.  
  
"At least I can bear children without them becoming Goa'uld-enhanced freaks!" Laira spat.  
  
"Come here and say that, you...!" Sam started to thrash around, so Ba'al grabbed a flake from the box and shoved it in her mouth, shutting her up.  
  
"So...you actually had sex with Grandpa?" Krycek asked. "Why the hell did you do that to yourself?"  
  
Laira's eyes narrowed. "You have obviously never felt love."  
  
"Well, I sure as hell don't feel it when I'm near you," Krycek countered,   
  
opening the window and dropping cigarette ash out of it.  
  
"I wish to be let out of this vehicle," Laira protested.  
  
"Sure, fine, whatever," Mulder said, tapping Knowle Rohrer on the shoulder. "The lady wants to be let out."  
  
Knowle sighed, brought the van to a halt and let Laira go.   
  
She walked over to the other side of the road...and was promptly run over by a pickup truck.  
  
"Oops," Krycek said, "That's gonna leave a stain."  
  
**********  
  
And so, the intrepid agents continued their search for THE TRUTH. Knowle Rohrer stopped the van by the Niagara Falls.  
  
"Wow! This is amazing!" Ba'al said, "A huuuge bowl of water!"  
  
"Hiya Folks!" said a cheery voice.  
  
"Woohoo!" Jack cried jubilantly, "Aris Boch! A fellow ballbuster!"  
  
Aris frowned. "What did you call me?"  
  
"Why are we at the Niagara Falls, anyway?" Scully asked. Mulder shrugged.   
  
"You never know where THE TRUTH will be hiding."  
  
Aris, meanwhile, was looking with disgust at Daniel Waterstone.  
  
"He's so old!" he said to Ba'al, whose dress (I mean, robe!!) was getting soaked.  
  
"I know," Ba'al agreed, wringing out his robe over the edge of the fence.  
  
Daniel Waterstone stood looking down at the falls with a snide grin on his face.   
  
He would have Dana back, once and for all!  
  
"Mawhahaha!" he began to cackle, but stopped.  
  
Aris Boch walked up behind him, accidentally on purpose tripped him up and watched as Waterstone fell headlong into the Niagara Falls.  
  
"No stains," Krycek said brightly, "And he really was too old."  
  
"Hmm," Ba'al agreed.  
  
**********  
  
After stopping at The Falls, they all climbed back into the ice cream van and went on their way. THE TRUTH was still out there, waiting to be found...  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
**********  
  
Next time:   
  
"AGH! IT'S BILL SCULLY!"  
  
"But he's so ugly!"  
  
"You have lived your life long enough. I will now put an end to it."  
  
"Nnnnnoooooo!"  
  
"Ah. So that's why your brother is so damned evil." 


	6. The Truth 6: Snake Heads and Ladders

Title: The Truth 6 - Snake heads and Ladders  
  
Rating: PG-13  
  
Spoilers:   
  
X-Files: Anything and everything before 'The Truth.'  
  
Stargate SG-1: Anything and everything before 'The Other Guys', but 'Meridian' never happened.   
  
Summary: The one where they find out why Bill Scully is so damned evil.  
  
Details: Humour, Crossover, NTBTS (not to be taken seriously!)  
  
Author Notes: You need to know what a wheelie bin is. If you don't, email me.  
  
Disclaimer: All publicly recognisable characters and places are the property of MGM, World Gekko Corp and Double Secret productions. This piece of fan fiction was created for entertainment not monetary purposes and no infringement on copyrights or trademarks was intended. Previously unrecognised characters and places, and this story, are copyrighted to the author. Any similarity to real persons, living or dead, is coincidental and not intended by the author.  
  
Copyright (c) 2003, Ruth  
  
~ The Truth 6 - Snake heads and Ladders ~  
  
By Ruth  
  
**********  
  
The merry band of TRUTH seekers headed back to Washington in their search for THE TRUTH. They were still in the ice cream van that Knowle Rohrer had hijacked, and it was proving to be a surprisingly speedy vehicle.  
  
The deaths of Laira and Daniel Waterstone were soon forgotten, as nobody really cared about them anyway. When they got back to Washington, it was almost dark.  
  
Ba'al, whilst trying to get out of the ice cream van, tripped over the hem of his dress (Ahem, I mean robe) and fell flat on his face on the tarmac.  
  
"Ha!" Krycek laughed, "Serves you right for wearing a dress!"  
  
"IT'S A ROBE!" Ba'al shouted, throwing himself at Krycek and bundling him to the ground.  
  
"Ooh, I do love a bitch fight!" Mulder smirked, leaning out of the back of the van, with his butt in Jack's face.  
  
"Oh, really, Foxy Quiff?" He asked sarcastically, "Would you care to join them?"  
  
He pushed Mulder out of the back of the van and laughed.   
  
Thor looked at him questioningly. "O'Neill, why did you push him?"  
  
"Because he's being an irritating git," Jack replied.  
  
Thor tipped his head in surprise. "I am not familiar with that word. Thank you for adding it to my vocabulary, O'Neill."  
  
"No problem," Jack said, laughing as Mulder wrung out the bottom of his coat.  
  
"Major Carter," Thor said, "It pleases me greatly to tell you that you are an irritating git."  
  
Sam looked at Scully in surprise.  
  
"What did I do to deserve that?"  
  
Scully shrugged, and looked out of the window, to where Krycek was busy stuffing Ba'al into a trash can, head first.  
  
"Msdbfifff shqwioio jrrr!" Came the muffled threats from inside of the can.  
  
Krycek just laughed, and turned around to see Jack getting out of the van.  
  
"You've ruined my coat!" Mulder wailed, putting his head in his hands.  
  
"You wanna make something of it?" Jack asked, in a terribly macho voice.  
  
Mulder raised an eyebrow and looked at him. "Sorry, I don't fight old people."  
  
Jack growled and leapt at him, throwing the two of them to the floor.  
  
Sam and Scully exchanged withering looks. "Boys," they said, and shook their heads.   
  
Ba'al, meanwhile, was trying to free himself from the trashcan. He rolled over onto his side, and stood up (with a great deal of difficulty), and was soon wandering around.  
  
Krycek laughed very loudly at the walking trashcan in front of him, and ran up behind it, booting Ba'al up the backside.  
  
He fell into the gutter with a muffled curse, and threatened to get him when he was released.  
  
Mulder and Jack, meanwhile, were busy rolling around on the ground hitting each other. Scully got up, and was about to try and stop them when she saw a familiar figure walking towards her.  
  
"AGH! IT'S BILL SCULLY!" Marita shrieked, diving behind a box of flakes.  
  
"But he's so ugly!" Krycek said, looking Bill up and down with a distasteful expression on his face. He then gave Ba'al another kick for good measure.  
  
"Well, if it isn't the geek-mobile!" Bill sneered, "What a wonderful job you have, Dana! Mother would be so proud of you."  
  
"Get out of here, Bill," She said, her fists clenching.  
  
Daniel looked out of the back of the van, interested.  
  
It was then that Bill went up to Mulder, and grabbed him by the collar.   
  
Suddenly, his eyes flashed.  
  
"You have lived your life long enough. I will now put an end to it."  
  
"Nnnnnoooooo!" Sam yelled, grabbing a zat gun from her pocket and running out of the back of the van, "He's Goa'uld!"  
  
"He's a what?" Krycek asked, not noticing that Ba'al had managed to free himself from the can and was walking up behind him with it.  
  
"He's an alien," Sam said, zatting Bill once with the gun. Mulder came over, and took the gun from her hand.  
  
"Ooh! Let me do it!"  
  
He zatted Bill for a second time, and he was dead. Nobody appeared to care.  
  
"Ah. So that's why your brother was so damned evil." Daniel said, "He was a Goa'uld!"  
  
"I'd always wondered if there was something about him," Krycek said, pulling out an expensive Russian cigar.  
  
Ba'al saw his chance, and rammed the empty trashcan down over Krycek's head with a cackle of laughter.  
  
"Damn you!" Krycek shouted, losing his balance and falling into the gutter.  
  
Ba'al laughed, and went over to the gutter, kicking Krycek like a soccer ball.  
  
Jack and Mulder got up, glared at each other, and walked in opposite directions.  
  
"How are we ever going to find THE TRUTH with that asshole?" Mulder asked Scully, as she smoothed dirt off of his coat.  
  
"Doctor Jackson," Thor said, bowing his head, "For many years I have wanted to tell you that you are an irritating git."  
  
Daniel looked at Janet in shock. Janet shrugged.  
  
Krycek got up, and pulled the trash can off of himself. He ran across the street, found a wheelie bin, and raced back across the street with it. Then, he bundled Ba'al to the ground, threw him into the bin and tied it securely to the back of the ice cream van.  
  
"Come on, Knowle," he shouted, "Let's go! THE TRUTH is still out there, waiting for us!"  
  
Knowle nodded in agreement, and drove off quickly, ignoring Ba'al's squeals of terror from the wheelie bin. They set off in search of THE TRUTH once more, not knowing where their strange and deluded journey would take them next...  
  
TO BE CONTINUED...  
  
**********  
  
Next time:  
  
"Dammit, his name is SCHROEDINGER!"  
  
"But...we just renamed him ourselves!"  
  
"What did you call him?"  
  
(Whispering)  
  
"Oh, my God!" 


End file.
